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Fun with Hunny (bronze_ribbons) (21 Jan)
bronze_ribbons wrote in 30_hath
Title: Fun With Hunny
Author: bronze_ribbons
House: Ravenclaw
Date/Challenge: 21 – altogether too bloody understanding
Character/Pairing: Heffalump/Severus.
Genre/Warnings (as applicable): Complete crack. Also, non-con. I am so headed to a bad end.
Rating: PG, I suppose, but I wouldn't let children near it.
Words: 350
A/N: Dedicated to nigita, if she'll still admit to knowing me. This is also for nimori's Animagus Challenge.

Over the years, Remus Lupin had had plenty of practice keeping a straight face. He’d done so when counseling hysterical students and calming down overwrought colleagues, and he’d maintained a bland countenance even when chaperoning the first post-War Yule ball (the students had been relatively well-behaved, but the faculty-- Pomona still couldn’t look him in the eye, even though he’d readily promised never to repeat the lascivious ode he’d been privileged to hear her recite to a bevy of fuschia-tipped Schlumbergerae).

So. Some months later, when he beheld Severus Snape in the clutches of an amorous heffalump, he merely pursed his lips and said, “Well.”

Snape batted at the creature’s pale purple trunk as he snarled, “Lupin. I don’t need you to be bloody understanding, I need you to help me get away from this.”

Lupin studied the heffalump’s markings, fascinated-- he’d known there were some residing in the Forbidden Forest, but they had always managed to elude the traps set by Hagrid and other Magical Creature wranglers. It was scrawnier than he’d imagined-- more like a stocky gazelle than an elephant-- but its markings were also more interesting: it had thin black circles around its bright green eyes, and a jagged scar above the exceedingly agile trunk. Snape had been struggling with the creature for several minutes before Lupin happened upon them-- his robes were torn, and the heffalump seemed clearly intent on decreasing their obstruction to its access to Snape’s nether regions.

Lupin took a deep breath, inhaling. “It serves you right, Severus. Minerva did warn you that it was dangerous to be working with that much honey.”

“I thought she just didn’t like mead!” Snape tried to lunge towards Lupin, but the heffalump cheerfully rolled on top of him, such that he was now prostrate on the ground. Hands flailing, he wailed, “Lupin--“

“I’m sorry, Severus,” Lupin murmured. “Were it any other heffalump, I’d take my chances.” And if it weren’t my de-facto godson, even if I do find his erotic tastes somewhat... imaginative. He slipped away as the creature began grinding against Snape in earnest.

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You slay me, woman.
*wipes tears from eyes*

Now my face hurts. Done laughing, but can't stop smiling.

*dies laughing*

And what does it say about me that I saw "heffalump/Snape non-con" and immediately said "Ooo! Where?"

*pets Care Bear-themed needlepoint cushion next to me while daytime talk-show TV blares from all four corners of cell*

[Translation: we are so going to hell. This may be the first piece I've written where I've horrified me, and I'm including the Snape/Lucius/Neville darkfic when I say that.]

Seriously? Glad you enjoyed it. *grin*

Neat idea, I love it. This is so interesting and well done. Great work.

~Quill :)

That was me as anonymous. Sorry, I forgot to sign in. :P

~Quill :)

Ummm, you feel bad? I drew FANART of this story.
lol, really though- loved the story(*giggle cry blush*) hope the fanart isn't too bad.


*muffled screams of laughter*


*hysteric laughter*
*wipes some tears away*
(my sister strode across the room, took a look at my face and stops:
'Are you all right?')

Well, bronze_ribbons, I've never been better. Thank you!


Glad to hear it. :-) Thanks for taking the time to comment on this!

Oh. Dude. You made me snort Coke up my nose. And it burns.

Other mental images I so did not need. ;)

How did I miss this? It's adorable/evil! I hope this won't destroy your reputation, but I'm rec'ing this for the snarry_reader.

Hee -- glad you liked it!

Anyone worried about their reputation has no business writing Voldemort/Lupin or girlbits!Snape. ;-)

(Deleted comment)
Hee! Thank you -- I'm glad the Reader sent you here! :-D

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